What to actually ask prospective clients: a doula's guide to great interviews

I want to tell you about a booking I took early in my doula career. Nothing went wrong, exactly. I showed up, I did my job, they had a baby, everyone was ok. But the whole time, from the first meeting right through to the postnatal visit, I never felt that click. You know the one - that sense of "yes, I'm loving this, I'm so glad I get to be part of this families experience."

Looking back, the signs were there right from our first initial meeting. The dad was lovely, super enthusiastic, completely sold on having a doula, in fact it was he who contacted me in the first place. But his partner? I'm not sure she'd have chosen me - or possibly any doula - if left to her own devices. Something felt a bit off. Not alarmingly off, just... flat. She was nice but she didn’t really engage. I ignored it, talked myself out of it, took the booking anyway.

So, whilst it certainly wasn't my worst doula experience (you'll have to come on the course to hear that particular juicy story, because that was a real rollercoaster and it taught me A LOT!!!) But this one? Well, it just wasn't my best. That slightly hollow feeling - of going through the motions rather than feeling genuinely connecting - stayed with me the whole time.

Here's the thing though: pretty much every doula I’ve ever met has a version of that story. It's practically a rite of passage. You ignore your gut, you take the booking, you survive it, and then you quietly vow to listen to yourself better next time. Sometimes we need to learn things the hard way - and there's nothing wrong with that, it's often how the most important lessons land. But if I can help you shortcut it even slightly? That's what this is for.

Asking the right questions before you commit to a client isn't just good practice. It's how you protect your ability to show up fully - for them, and for yourself.

It's tempting to say yes to everything

I know, I know….you want to help. You want the booking. You don't want to turn someone away who might really need you. All of that is real and valid.

But wanting to help isn't enough on its own. If you're already stretched, going through something personally, or you just can't shake the feeling that this match isn't quite right - ignoring your gut and taking that booking anyway tends to catch up with you. You can't pour from an empty cup and all that (Yes, you’ve heard it before - but it's still true).

So here are my musings on how to approach those all important early conversations so you can make a grounded, confident decision before taking a booking - rather than just hoping for the best.

First things first - lets define the role.

Before we get into the questions, let's just make sure everyone's working from the same page. We definitely want to avoid mismatched expectations about what a doula actually does. And that needs to start at the very first conversation.

What matters is that your way of working is clear - to you and to your client - before you commit to each other. Part of your job in that initial consultation is to explain how you work, what you bring, and where your boundaries are. What you will do and what you don’t do. The client's job is to be honest about what they actually need and by you asking them some great questions at the initial interview stage you can find out just that.

If those two things don't line up? That's useful information. Better to know it now - than a few weeks down the line when you’re actually committed to working with them and deeply regretting your life-choices!

Birth expectations - dreams vs. reality

Some clients are planning calm, candlelit water births with a specific playlist and a very particular vibe. Others are entirely happy to follow every medical recommendation while watching Netflix between contractions. Neither is wrong - but you need to know which way they're leaning and help them approach their birth with transparency and flexibility. That you can navigate the inevitable bumps in the road together.

• How do you imagine your birth going? Do you have a strong picture in your head, how are we going to prepare for any changes?

• What's non-negotiable for you?

• If things don't go to plan, how do you see my role shifting?

The support squad situation

Who else is going to be in that room? A supportive partner is one thing. A well-meaning mother-in-law with strong opinions about everything is quite another. No judgement - families are families - but you need the heads-up - believe me when I say you don’t want to find out about this one the hard way!!

• Who'll be supporting you during labour?

• Are there any personalities or dynamics I should know about going in?

• Will they join us for some/all of our prep sessions so we’re all on the same page?

How they communicate and how they cope

Some clients get very quiet and internal during labour. Others swear enthusiastically and need someone matching their energy. Understanding this upfront means you can adapt without either of you feeling like you're working against each other.

• Do you want me talking you through things, or quietly getting on with supporting you?

• How do you tend to handle stress or uncertainty?

• Is there anything that makes you feel judged, unsafe, or like you want to tell someone to just “eff off”?

Advocacy - how much, and when

This one matters more than people think. Some clients want a gentle, behind-the-scenes presence. Others want someone who'll calmly but clearly advocate for their choices if needed. Get this straight now so there are no surprises mid-labour.

• Are there situations where you'd want me to speak up on your behalf?

• How do you want me to support your decisions without overstepping?

• How comfortable do you feel advocating for yourself, is that something you/your partner need support with?

Postnatal - what happens after

Your role doesn't always end when the baby arrives. Some clients want regular check-ins for weeks. Others just want a "you smashed it" message and then some space. Both are fine - but you both need to be on the same page.

• How much ongoing contact are you expecting from me?

• Are there specific areas you'd like support with - recovery, nourishment, the emotional side of things?

• How much input do you actually want from me, honestly?

And finally - the all important “gut” check

Even if a client ticks every box on paper, sometimes it still doesn't feel right. And that matters. Ask yourself honestly:

• Could I spend 24+ hours with this person and still be fully present?

• Am I in the right place personally to give this client my whole attention?

• Do I feel calm and safe going into this?

• Is something nagging at me, even if I can't quite name it?

We tell our clients to trust their instincts constantly. It's time we did the same.

And I can tell you from experience - I've been on both sides of this. I've ignored that feeling and plodded through a job that was fine but never felt right. But I've also had a conversation where something just didn't sit well with me, and I made the call not to take on a potential client. I couldn't fully explain it at the time. But walking away from that one? It felt like the most professional, self-respecting thing I'd done in a while. No drama, no guilt - just a quiet, solid "that's not my client." And I was right.

That's what trusting your gut actually feels like. Not dramatic. Just clear.

A doula-client relationship is a two-way street. I'll say it again for the doulas at the back: it’s a two-way street. It’s not just them interviewing you - it’s your chance to see if you want to work with them too.

Asking these sorts of questions doesn't make you picky or precious - it makes you professional. It means you can actually show up as the doula you want to be, rather than the one who's quietly counting down the hours.

Because the last thing anyone needs in that room - you included - is someone who's already mentally checked out before the first contraction hits.

We’ve all heard it said - “there’s a doula for everyone”. Well, let me tell you wonderful people - that there are also clients out there that ain’t for you and that’s ok.

And if you've found your way here because you're just thinking about doula training - hello, welcome, you're in the right place. Everything I've talked about in this post? It's exactly the kind of thing we dig into on our courses.

Boundaries, communication, knowing your own limits, trusting yourself - it's all in there, because we want every doula who trains with us to feel genuinely clear and confident in who they are and how they work before they're anywhere near a client. Not just technically capable, but properly grounded.

Because that's where good doula work actually starts.